In da ol days, wen I use to live on Maui, I used to live wit my beeg sista in uppa Paia. Da town was called Orpheum Camp. I donno wai but only filipinos lived there. Funny yeah, how all da difarent people had dare own sexshen. Oh, I had any kine frens, Japanese, Chinese, Potagees, Blahlahs, mixup kine and I tink dat was all. Oh, had a cupula haoles but they was da nuns an da preest at Holy Rosary. Da nuns could be real mean buggahs sumtimes, boy. One wanted to trow me outsai da window one time fo playing milk cavas while everybody else was praying. Dat wud be sista MaryAnn, firrs grade.
Anyhooo, you know in doz daiz nevah had tolets in da house. My sistahs house had wan beeg tolet. Had a two holah, da kine wit the running watah in a deech on da bottom to wash da kukai down to I dunno whea. Behine wan wall had da shawa and the wash tub fo washing owa close. I use to be real skaid to use da tolet because da puka look beeg and I skaid fall insai. Look duc insai an smell steenk, too.
I was ten an my nefew was five an we was playing undah da guava tree. We stutted to chase sum ducks. We had plenty in a pen fo eat butt sumtime dey bucaloose. We gotta go chase 'em back insai da pen. Anyway, dah ducks run anyplace and we go chasing dem buggahs all ova da place like nuts. Sumbody had go leave the doa open to da tolet an one beeg wan, wit da beeg red stuff by his nose had go run insai. We navah see'um go insai. Aftah we had get the uddah ducks in the pen, we tought we pau so we go play summo.
My sistah had go insai da tolet fo sumting. Wen she come outsai she tole us to put the duck back in da pen. We wen insai da tolet. I close da doa an I tole him,"okay, go chas'um". He chas'um all ova the tolet and I only laugh up. My neffew, had conah da duck right infrunt da tolet-hole so, I had go try help'um catch'um. Aiii, da duck had bucaloose again an had fall down the tolet. Wen I had look down da puka, I cud heah heem splashing aroun. Eh, you tink I goin down dere to go bring heem up? Sucka! I tole my neffew just no make noise and no tell nobody cuz da duck goin maki cuz so steenk down dea. An den we wen go play summo by the guava tree.
Wen came duk, we wen insai da house fo go eat. Afta dat I tole my sistah dat we tired an dat we goin bayfe in da monning. We was surprised dat she let us do dat.
I dunno wat time was, but was real duk. I heard some beeg noise in da palla and my brudda inlaw was mad about sumting an making beeg noise. Now, my bruddah inlaw was a beeg guy fo one filipino man, an to make tings mo worse, he had ass'ma.
He had just came back from da tolet. Man, he bus in da room and stutted to geev us good likkins wit one skinny kine guava branch. As he was giving us likkins, he was saying something like "I almos had a hut attak, you bagguhs!". He kept saying dat ova and ova an each time he said dat he whack us wit da guava branch. Awa okoles was soa for a long time afta dat.
I gass his um had get sowa so he tole us fo go sleep and dat we bettah get da duck outah deah firss ting in da monning. We wen go in da room but we nevah go sleep. Just tinking what had happen wen he had sit on da tolet an wat da duc wen do. We look at each uddah and den we stutted to laff, and laff hud. You know da kine laff, da kine whea no mo sound come out only get teahs. We wen go sleep late dat night but we nevah foget dat day. I wunda how he 'no was us..
My sista and bruddah inlaw maki now but I goin always remembah dem and wat had happen dat time in Orpheum Camp in Paia.
About Author
Richard Costales was born on Maui and grew up in Pearl City and Kailua-Kona. Graduated from Waipahu High School '57. He was in the Air Force for 4 years. He now lives in Petaluma, CA with his wife and 3 daughters. He plans on moving back to Hawaii when his youngest graduates from high school. "You guys just dunno how much I laugh reading da udda hanabuddah stories!"
